Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
