I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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