Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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