Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
