The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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