do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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