Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
