Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
