I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
