I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
