we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
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Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
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Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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