Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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