I'd wear matching sweaters with you
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
