When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
