Me too!
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
