I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
