watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
