Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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