His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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