gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
