Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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