i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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