Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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