im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize