is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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