dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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