Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
