my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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