bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
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She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
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We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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