she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
