I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We left an ass print on the piano.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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