you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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