the condom got lost in my hair
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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