Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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