Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
