I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
