guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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