I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
