when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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