lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
