I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
