in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize