my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
