and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
