I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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