Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
