We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
