Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
