Me too!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
