i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
