tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Shame - the story of my life.
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