i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
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As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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