i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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