The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
