you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
How does it feel to date your dad?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
