I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I want you more than these girls want KFC
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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