i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
