He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
