Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It was like getting head from an anaconda
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
